The reason that I decided to create this website is to share what I have learnt through my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else.
At the time, I didn’t understand addiction which made it impossible for me to accept it and in turn for me to help Jordan to accept his addiction and to get the help that he needed.
Bringing up children does not come with a manual and even though I tried to be the best mother that I possibly could and fought hard to keep my family together I am sure that I made mistakes.
Before we realised that Jordan was smoking marijuana, we would put his mood swings, anger and outbursts down to puberty. When we realised that he was smoking marijuana, we initially blamed everything on that and were shocked and very angry. We organised drug tests through a specialist doctor to reaffirm it but, unbeknown to us, Jordan took someone else’s urine with him to substitute as his own and, therefore, the results were negative.
Joe and I never asked Jordan how or why he had come to use marijuana in the first place, how it made him feel or whether he was addicted to it. We also never asked him if he had anything he wanted to talk about or was struggling with. I am quite sure that he was struggling to come to terms with his father’s terminal cancer diagnosis and the fact that his dad wasn’t going to be around for long. Much later on Jordan told me he remembered that his dad would always say he wouldn’t be here for long and he was going to die.
Joe’s terminal cancer diagnosis changed family life and our whole focus changed too. I was desperate to keep Joe alive and focussed on finding alternative cures to keep him alive. The children became involved with our new healthy lifestyle and alternative treatments.
Jordan started to grow up and spent less time with us as a family. He and his dad would often fall out. To be honest, I don’t think Joe understood Jordan and just expected Jordan to be like he was and get on with everything. This frustrated Jordan and he would become nasty and rebellious; marijuana was beginning to have an effect on Jordan’s moods, behaviour and emotions.
When Joe passed away, I knew that Jordan would find it extremely hard to come to terms with the fact that he had not had the best relationship with his dad towards the end. Jordan cried a lot and he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t stop crying.
Jordan tried constantly to stop smoking marijuana and had several very long periods without it. He would become very emotional when he first stopped.
Jordan stopped once for months when he began a relationship with his first long-term girlfriend. He was so much nicer and was building up good relationships, especially with his sister. This, however, soon ended and Jordan continued smoking marijuana and dabbling with other drugs/steroids.
Jordan was always happier when he had a woman in his life although his relationships were all very turbulent – probably because of the drug use. Both of his long-term partners also used drugs. Jordan’s last long-term relationship ended probably three years before he took his own life. He lost interest in girls, saying that he could not find one good enough.
My husband and I had a turbulent relationship and I do not think this was good for the children. However, I was determined to keep my family together as my real mother left when I was five years old. Often patterns of behaviour continue down the generations as there is already an acceptance that the behaviours are correct or acceptable.
Jordan would often say hurtful things. He would send lots of horrible messages and never apologise. Often, the next day it would be as though he had not said anything and he would be normal. He would come and see me, come for dinner or give me a lift somewhere and for the first 10-15 minutes he would be lovely. Then he would change, and we would often fall out for no reason at all. It was as if he could only be nice for so long. He had great outbursts of anger – I once had to lock all of the doors and hide in the house as he was so angry!
I constantly researched his symptoms and spent hours searching for what could be causing them and what I could do to help him. In his earlier years I got him to see two psychiatrists as I thought he may be suffering from bipolar disorder; there is history of mental health illness in my family. Both psychiatrists said that he was perfectly fine; there was nothing wrong with him.
I called various Rehab Centres looking for help and advice. I even booked a place for him on a couple of occasions but he refused to go. He said that he could cure himself if he wanted and didn’t have a problem. It was a lifelong journey trying to help Jordan.
My biggest regret is not talking to Jordan more openly about his problems. It’s difficult to talk about things that you do not understand; it can frighten you. I was probably afraid of saying the wrong things. If I knew then what I know now about addiction, I would have been talking to Jordan more openly years ago before the problem developed into a major issue. However, I will never blame myself. As Jordan said, ‘there is nothing you can do mum! You have done all you can! No one can help me! Only my Dad and he isn’t here!’
God bless my beautiful son – may he live on in our memories forever.
On this website you will find all of the alternative treatments that I have discovered which could help to free you from addiction and the treatments that Jordan tried.